Us. (again)

Here is another photo of me and my sweet Jackson from today.

I thought I would share this story today as it has been on my heart as of late and perhaps sharing my story will help someone else in a similar situation.

With both Sean and Luke, I suffered from postpartum depression.  It lasted about 6 weeks with Sean, so I assumed it would last around the same with Luke and I opted to wave medication as I was breastfeeding.  Well, as much as I tried to deny it, the depression lasted a long time...at least 9 months (perhaps longer).  I honestly was living in a fog. I didn't enjoy my new found status as mother of two children.  I went through the motions because I had to...Sean needed me and Luke needed me.  The type of depression I suffered from did not cause me to feel like I would hurt my children or myself, rather it filled me with anxiety.  I didn't want to be alone.  I was sad.  It was winter time when I had Luke so all I saw outside my windows were white snow and overcast days.  Anyone who lives in the Northeast can sympathize with this as I couldn't take a newborn out to crowds of people due to fear of infection.  As Luke's sole source of food, that left few opportunities for me to leave the house. I felt trapped, overwhelmed, and scared.  I used to stare out my front window watching the cars  drive by and wish I could escape from my house. I was so incredibly lonely. 

Now some of you may be wondering how I ever decided to have another child after this experience and sometimes I wonder too, but I honestly did not feel like our family was complete.  When I found out I was pregnant with my third child and learned that my due date would again be in January (the bleakest month of the year for me), I must say my throat closed and I was filled with fear.  Instead of being overjoyed to tell people I was pregnant, I cried.  All I could think about was what I felt after having Luke and I didn't want to feel that way again.  Then one day, my mom and I were sitting on my couch and I shared my fears with her and she said something to me that impacted me greatly.  She said, 'you don't have to breastfeed this baby.'  And it was like a light bulb went off.  Of course, I knew I didn't have to breastfeed, but to hear someone else give me permission was empowering.  By not breastfeeding, I freed myself up to take medication to battle the postpartum depression.  (Disclaimer: I know many people breastfeed while taking medication, it is just something I chose not to do.)  I also, knew that with my third baby it would be hard to breastfeed, so formula feeding seemed like the best solution.

Fast forward 13 months and I can honestly tell you that I am happier now than I have ever been as a mother.  God gave me such a gift with my baby Jackson.  I have enjoyed every single moment with him and I know this is because I am on medication.  I feel as though I was cheated with my first two children, but I am making up for it the third time around.  I now know the beauty of a newborn and all that comes with it.  I have not complained about the middle-of-the-night feedings.  Instead, I enjoy the time I have with Jackson, just me and him.  I also, pretty much carry him around all day with me in the Baby Bjorn.  Some would say I am creating trouble for myself down the road, but I'm willing to take that risk.  I love the closeness I feel with him.

God has blessed me so richly and I thank Him each and every day.

I hope by sharing my story, I can help someone who may be suffering from PPD.  It is nothing to be ashamed of.  You have no control over it. 

On a completely different note:

*I also wanted to share that I am starting a photography business (hence the watermark on my photos now), so this blog will be largely for sharing family related stuff, scrapbooking/papercrafting projects, and my Thursday's thoughts.  I will be starting a photography blog for my business.  Also, if you are in the Buffalo area and are interested in having me take photos of your children and/or family, please email me.  I'd love to work with you.

If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my story.  Life is a journey and a learning experience.  I am learning each and every day.

Comments

[Elisa]

Your baby is beautiful and I'm so glad to hear your feeling much better this time around. I suffered the blues with my oldest and youngest(thankfully nothing more serious). When I tell young mother's about it they admit they are too. So glad you are talking about it...someone will not feel so alone. Have a blessed day.

[maureen]

I was just applauding you Melissa! For sharing, for the decisions you made, and for being such a great momma!
Hugs and congrats on the business! I wish we lived in your area :)

[Susan]

I'm so glad you're feeling better this time around! Thank you for sharing your story of PPD. I'm sure that it will help many new moms.

[Melanie H]

Thank you for that. I dealt with really awful anxiety the whole time I was breastfeeding my son. I didn't think it was PPD because I didn't feel depressed. I had no idea that it could manifest that way. I really wish I had done something to treat it.

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me to know that it can be better. :)

[Wilda]

Kuddos for you Melissa for share the experienc and overcome it in the way you choose to be right!

So many people live with anxiety for many reasons, I'm one of them and maybe it started with PPD or just becuause of my grandmother illness and death, but I too decided to put a STOP to it and have a life! We have to little boys and I can't loose the time and happiness that I know I can have. So, yes medication help. I feel so much better and yes not in a fog or worriness all the time.

Live!

[elise]

melissa,
thanks for sharing this.
best of luck on the photo business.
you'll be fabulous.

[wendy bretz]

melissa, three words...
you are amazing!

[marta]

beautiful, the story and your photography. i am happy you opened up about PPD. i feel fortunate not to have suffered from it with my first baby, but i know it's bound to touch my life in some way. we all get down once in awhile, especially in winter. i'm glad i'm not the only one who felt alone once in awhile. i am glad i'll know who to turn to for advice. thank you for your words.

best of luck with your photography!

[jennifer mcguire]

thank you for sharing your story. i suffered PPD, too - it was hell. but somehow it helps knowing that others continued on to have PPD-free births. hugs to you.

[piper]

Oh my goodness, words from my own heart! So glad to hear things are better this time around. I have winter/January babies too, and it sure is hard to deal with gloomy weather on top of the feelings. Thanks for sharing, I know that was very hard and personal too. I always say, "Better Living Through Chemistry!" Thank goodness for medication! Thanks for sharing your beautiful pictures with us. Good luck with your business!

[lisa truesdell]

sending lots of hugs - so glad you've found a way to enjoy this time around. and congrats and good luck on the photo business!!

[PS]

Thank you so much for sharing! I am currently pregnant with my first child and worry about dealing with postpartum depression, because I've struggled with regular depression in the past. Your solution is something I will definitely squirrel away in my mind in case I need it!

[Tanja]

Thanks for sharing your story, I think it's important to do whatever you need to in order to be happy and fulfilled. I enjoy looking at your blog, your photos and your Project 365 as it serves as inspiration for my own project. Here's to happy mamas!

[Alison]

You will do a fantastic job as a photographer. I always love your pictures and wondered if you would give it a try. Good luck.

[simplesong]

melissa, thanks so much for sharing this....your strength and honesty are so admirable. your boys are so lucky to have you. and i'm so thrilled to hear about your photography business ... about time! your photos are always so amazing ... beautiful and so warm.

xo.

[Heather M.]

thanks for sharing this post, melissa. your words made me well up with tears. i am so glad that you are enjoying having a newborn this time around. that is such wonderful news.

i can't get over how much jackson looks like your other boys, especially sean (or is it just me?). he is so sweet.

congrats on the photography business. now that makes me super happy! wish i lived closer so you could take our photos. i have always loved your photos.

[kristina]

What an admirable thing to share, Melissa. I'm so sorry you had to go through that a couple of times, but so happy that this time around things were much different and that everything is so wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Congratulations on starting up a photography business, too! I SO wish I lived closer to you! All of your photographs are beautiful. Everything you create is beautiful. :) BIG hugs, sweet friend!!

[Stephanie Klauck]

Beautiful post Melissa!
So glad you are enjoying Jackson and more importantly - feeling happy inside.
(hugs)

[stephanie]

Melissa,

Thank you for sharing your story. I dealt with PPD with my son... and it was like yours.. that anxiety filled fog. I had myself soo anxious about everything almost to the point of paranoia. I was terrified anytime I had to be alone... and although my son was born in July, I had a similar issue with leaving the house - instead of cold and snow it was heat and humidity. We had no days below 85 and 90 for almost 6 weeks. I was also breastfeeding and it was not going soo well though, which just added to the anxiety. When my son was around 4 weeks I finally started trying to pump and we found out the reason the breastfeeding was going soo poorly was that I was producing too little milk. So after almost 8 weeks we switched to formula, and got medication for me. Although it took time, I was able to enjoy my little one, which I hadn't done in those first 2 months.

I'm glad you are doing well and you were strong enough to share your story!!!

[Vicki]

Hi there! I have been following Jackson's growth through your photos and I have been admiring your utter joy. It is good to know the background now. I had to have my visiting nurse give me permission to stop BFing after the effects of pre-eclampsia had me exhausted and weak when I brought the twins home. You do feel so guilty, but it was the best decision for my family. We have to share our stories because for some reason we women aren't happy unless we run ourselves into the ground. I spent hours outside playing with the twins yesterday and realized that this weather is the best thing ever for energizing me so that I can enjoy the journey. All of your boys are beautiful. You are doing a wonderful job with them.

[Danielle (vtpuggirl)]

Big Hugs Melissa! So glad you are doing well, and I wanted to wish you the very best of luck with your photography business. You take beautiful photos!

[joanne]

oh melissa...
i am just reading this...
though i don't have children...
i think it is amazing you shared
your story hoping it will help others!
you go!! :)
it was so so good to see you the other
day... you look amazing!
your babies (and your photos!!) do too!
hope to get together soon!!
jcrew??
take care,
j

[jamie]

i've been such a slacker, just reading this now, melissa. thank you for sharing your story. and congratulations on the new business. so excited to see this new venture of yours. you are extremely talented in so many areas.
hugs!

[Jacqueline]

Melissa, how brave and compassionate of you to share your experiences. I can relate to much of what you've written. It's so valuable that as women and mothers we tell all sides of the story, because that honesty -- as difficult as it is sometimes -- is what pulls us together. And helps us support each other. You're nothing short of amazing!

~ Jacqueline